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August 25th, 2009

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MM
The end of August marks a few things that I would like to celebrate:

- A full 2 years of non-cheating vegetarianism
- The end of my 10-month stint as a blond
- The beginning of grad school (and the end of full-time employment at Duke!)
- 1 month of domestic bliss with M.A. and Mitzi
- My glorious return to stage managing and general theatre overload
- My recent discovery that my apartment complex updated the gym equipment. (Now I can exercise without fear of breaking my neck upon falling from a treadmill from 1978.)

One thing I would not like to celebrate is the return of Duke undergrads to Durham. Get off my damn lawn, you no-good kids!!

April 7th, 2009

I'm a big quitter and I did quit Master Cleanse on Friday with a nice glass of grapefruit juice and some carrot ginger soup. My restricting begins anew, however, on Wednesday with the arrival of Passover. Yippee!

The arrival of Passover means M is coming to town (tonight, actually) and that I get to spend both seder nights with his family. I'm excited to see them (and I effing LOVE Passover), but they've been through a lot in the past several months and I'm not looking forward to two doom & gloom evenings. Both of his parents and the family dog have been ill, and his grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, so I imagine there won't be a whole lot of joy in the house. I feel really selfish and awful sometimes when I hate on them for grieving, like they are cutting into my happiness or something, but I can't help it. I am also guilty of always imagining this tug-of-war between myself and his parents-- like I have to battle with them for his time and attention. He told me this morning that his mom is picking him up from the airport so that he can help them clean for Passover, and my instinctual reaction was anger tinged with jealously. What's wrong with me? I think I still harbor resentment over last year's episode*, but I seriously need to get over it if M and I are going to have any future together.

I think I also resent that he is closer with his family than I am with mine. And that they are more supportive (financially and emotionally) than mine are. My mom and I are getting to be very close, but my dad and brother came up this weekend and it was painful and exhausting. My dad and brother's relationship has become very strained over the last few years, so my brother kept picking fights with him and generally being an angst-ridden asshole teenager while my dad deflected that by picking on me and criticizing everything I did (parking, cleaning, driving, my laptop, etc.). All in all, a great reminder of why I chose to stay in NC after college. I hate that we're not close, but I'm really struggling to close the gap.

In other (more positive) news, I finally heard back from UNC and I was admitted to their Masters program for the fall. I'm really excited about another 3-70 years in the Triangle, and I'm hoping for great things.

* You know, that time M was in Russia and I spent Passover with his family and they told me they didn't approve of our marriage plans because I'm not Jewish. We broke up two months later. It was awesome.

April 2nd, 2009

Days 3 and 4

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By the time I woke up on Day 3 I had lost another pound and DID NOT want to drink anymore of this lemonade. I am totally over the taste. I drank some lax tea in the morning and maybe 16 or 24 ounces of lemonade throughout the day. Then I just poured the rest out. I was definitely hungry while at the theater, but it didn't matter. I wonder what this might do to my detox efforts. And my metabolism.

I weighed in on Day 4 at 118.8 pounds. It's funny because I wake up every morning dreading another sip of lemonade, but once I get on that scale, I am ready to go. I intended to buy some oranges last night for my transition day back into normalcy, but bought grapefruits instead. Oops. So this morning I juiced a grapefruit and diluted it with water (to cut the acid-- not good for you, says my Juiceman book) and drank that instead of tea or lemonade. Fast forward to 2pm today and I am barely halfway through my first mug of lemonade. I haven't had any water either. I'm surprisingly full of energy and not hungry-- I wonder if this is what anorexia feels like? It's like my body just accepted that I'm not going to feed it and is happy to go about its business. Weird.

I think today is my last full day on Master Cleanse. Sorry to disappoint any readers who care. That means that tomorrow I will drink regular juice all day (and maybe some soup?) so that I can be back on solid foods by the time my dad and brother get into town on Saturday morning. I will try to stay on track as far as raw/unprocessed foods while they are here, though. I hope to keep that up through Passover (even though there will be matzoh and K for P muffins to tempt me!) and perhaps beyond. I read recently that you should aim for 90% healthy, 10% crap. In a perfect world, I would eat like 80% raw, 10% low processed/low ingredients, 10% crap. And if everything really goes to hell by mid-April, then I can give Master Cleanse another shot.

March 31st, 2009

Day # 2

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I weighed in at 120.6 this morning-- clearly water weight, but holy shit. The only physical difference I can see is that my stomach is flatter than usual.

I did not go running last night. By about 5pm, I was feeling really hungry and light-headed. I didn't want to go home right away, so I went to Target for more maple syrup and cleaned out my car. Then I watched the entire first disc of Firefly while drinking more lemonade and some mint tea. I'm thankful that my play goes back into performances on Wednesday because the downtime at work and home is killing me. Tonight I might try some strength training with my Jillian Michaels DVD and marathon Flight of the Conchords or something.

I'm really tired of going to the bathroom so often, so I skipped the lax tea last night. I need to push myself to drink more lemonade, even though I don't like the taste. I only drank 48 of my 64 ounces yesterday and poured the rest down the drain (you aren't supposed to let it sit overnight). Today my goal is to drink all of it. I also should drink more water.

March 30th, 2009

Day #1

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I weighed in this morning at 124.6 pounds. Not surprising given last night's pig out (and maybe the running I've been doing is adding muscle?). I made some lax tea and got to work making a day's worth of lemonade. This diet is said to be an inexpensive one, but I've already spent what I would on a normal week's worth of groceries. Organic lemons, organic maple syrup, stupid plastic jug for lugging this swill around, etc.

I made 64 oz of lemonade this morning and I am finishing my second mug of it now. I'm definitely hungry (when I'm not feeling nauseous), but trying to alternate between lemonade and plain water so that I don't finish too early. You can drink as much lemonade as you want per day, but why would you want to? I'm not crazy about the taste at all, and I don't know if I can finish the whole 64 oz, regardless of how hungry I may feel later today. I HATE the cayenne pepper. It's grainy and settles at the bottom of my mug, so I have to keep swirling it around before each swig. It's necessary to keep it in, however, because they say the pepper works mucus out of your body and keeps your metabolism going.

This afternoon I am planning to go on a run with my friend Geraud. We are training for a half marathon together, so I need to keep running even though I'm on this detox. I've read that a lot of people experience a slump at first, but after the first few days they are full of energy and follow their regular exercise routine. I'm hoping for the same result.

March 29th, 2009

Yes, the Lemonade Diet commences tomorrow morning. A friend of mine at work did a 3-day juice fast last week, and I was finally motivated to try a detox. I've been reading about Master Cleanse and other detox diets for a while, but I didn't think I'd have the self control to get through it. I'm still not sure, but I think I'm up for the challenge. I thought this would be a good way to restructure my diet-- I've been trying to cut down on the amount of dairy and sugar in my diet, and a detox is supposed to be really helpful in removing cravings. Also, I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds.

Tonight is Day #1 Eve. I have to admit that I totally pigged out in anticipation of starving for the next week. I went to Red Robin with the cast of The Overwhelming (play I'm acting in presently), and then went home and ate some Teddy Grahams and a candy bar. It probably wasn't a great idea to go into a fast after sating a serious munchies attack, but I'm hoping for the best. In a few minutes I will make my first serving of lax tea. You are supposed to have a laxative (either tea or a saltwater solution) each morning and evening of the fast, and you start the night before. Here's hoping I'm not woken up in the middle of the night by any urges-- especially after that bleu cheese burger at Red Robin. If you haven't guessed, this journaling project will probably include some graphic/personal descriptions of what this detox is doing to my body. Not for the easily grossed out then, eh?

I'm hoping that by journaling publicly about this experience, I will increase my motivation to stick to the detox if it gets difficult. I don't want to call myself a quitter on the internets-- that would be unfortunate. Wish me luck!!

March 16th, 2009

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Why did I ever think being an adult meant being able to do whatever you want? I'm not going to save the world, be a star, or quit my life and move to Italy or Chile or Australia. I'm going to stay right here, shackled by old debts, old decisions, and my own anxiety.

July 24th, 2008

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I realize it's been a while since I've written anything of substance aside from cut-and-paste jobs of song lyrics. Despite the fact that I have an online journal and have pretended to maintain it for years now, broadcasting my personal life on the internet has always made me uncomfortable. Has this stopped me from the occasional emo or passive aggressive away message or Facebook status? Not always, unfortunately.

I've usually been lucky enough to have someone to act as my sounding board, removing the need for me to share my anguish with you, gentle reader. For the past three years, M was someone who I could tell absolutely anything to. Though we've proven surprisingly committed to and adept at turning a shattered romance into a strong friendship, it feels unfair somehow to expect him to remain my confidant. Or at least someone who I can talk to regarding my issues with intimacy and relationships with other people. Now my roommate, who owes me anyway for the hours I've spent listening to the ups and downs of her dating life, has started to take his place. I think, though, that we exchange drama more out of obligation and need than genuine concern and understanding. I guess that's fine.

Last night I called Marshall after not hearing from him in four days-- the longest we had gone without contact in maybe years, if I remember correctly. He stayed in my apartment on Friday night so he could get to a wedding in Durham on Saturday. I got in very late on Friday night and spent most of Saturday morning hiding in my room so I wouldn't have to see him. I was surprised at how anxious his being there made me. We spoke for a few minutes, mostly about how lots of people had been asking me to recount the break-up lately and it made me depressed to keep retelling the story (trying to put together causes with effects, making what happened a cohesive story with an ending that felt okay to me), and I sent him on his way.

Anyway, I called him last night because I genuinely missed him. I still do. When we first broke up, I was so determined and turned off that his emails and phone messages irritated me. I wanted him to move on like I thought I was doing. But once I got the post-breakup hookup out of the way and realized that I was truly alone, I just sank. I've kind of diverted my pain into a tepid, PG-rated, non-exclusive "we're not dating" situation with a friend of mine, but the healing has plateaued and I don't think I'm capable of feeling any sparks with someone new. M has similarly found a cuddle-buddy of his own at TIP. I was relieved when it seemed like we both weren't ready to move on completely. He plans to break things off when the summer session ends, and I've told LR that I am not at all ready to get attached. The sentiment was that, although we had each found someone to be comfortable with, neither of us was ready to really connect with someone else. I don't know what I'll do when M starts actually dating again, even though I've strongly encouraged him to do so. Did I mean it?

M told me a few weeks ago that even if he finds someone else, marries someone else, gets to have his perfect Jewish home with someone else, he'll be happy, but it still won't be me. Maybe it's his wound talking, and I'm really not as fantastic as he thinks I am, but I definitely wonder if I'm always going to be the one that got away. I wonder if it'll feel that way to me. I know we're both capable of finding love and genuine happiness with someone else, but when I look at the men around me, I still judge them in terms of what they don't have that M did. Is that wrong? Does that part heal with time? A part of me still wants us to plan our lives together so that we can see what would happen with time. I want to tell myself that that is fucked up, but I think he feels it too, and I don't think it's wrong.

I'm so tired of waiting for the dust to settle around here.

July 2nd, 2008

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MM
I hope again one day to hear you sing
I hope again one day to see you bring your smile back around again

June 23rd, 2008

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MM
Its getting better all the time
Its getting better all the time
This heart's on fire
This heart's on fire
This heart's on fire
This heart's on fire









Also, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.
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